I had just done some spiritual warfare, knowing that I was coming into a new territory so to speak, knew I had stress from lean finances and the oh so daily round the clock care of my dad and was just asking God to deal with some stuff in my life, no matter what it took. Since I prayed that last part a little earlier, and have prayed stuff like that before, at first I was not sure of the connection.
I carried in some heavy groceries because I am one that if I think I can carry two bags instead of one, that's a good deal. My dad weighs over 200 lbs. and turning him can stretch out the old back, too! Not to mention that I spend many hours in front of the computer with different tasks.
All of that is a good reason to have muscle problems, if you are going to have that. Usually if I strain myself, I know to lighten up!
Well, I asked for prayer at my Friday night home group and this knot in my back of tension just tightened up. Usually I can stretch that out, but it didn't work this time. The pain got stronger. It started traveling from one shoulder to the next and then really focused on my right arm and shoulder. But even my legs got some tinglies and sometimes my right hand would feel numb.
I was up almost the whole night at home walking and praying and crying out because I could not sit still, much less lay down. Everything goes through your mind, most of all, "Where did this come from!!!?" The pain was biting.
I wondered if it was voo-doo and wondered if some people who didn't like me were targeting me. It felt like witchcraft and there are a lot of "Christians" I know who will use that if they can't get their way in prayer. It's a reality and we have to deal with it.
I thought in a day or two this will go away. It didn't. But it did settle into a certain place on my back. It got to where only a certain position flat on my back offered relief. I could sit or stand for two minutes then had to go run lay down. The pain was blinding.
I called on my prayer partner buds and I have some good ones, and even wrote the whole List, asking for prayer. Nothing helped. I have minister friends who hold miracle services and others who have awesome miracles and do warfare on the mission field, they all prayed, nothing.
I thought about my enemies and who I might not be forgiving and wondered if my principles in certain areas might be wrong and Satan was coming fast and furious, but I could not give up my positions. I humbled myself before the Lord the best I knew. Nothing.
"Hello, out there! Yoo hoo! Anybody Home, any where???" But having done all I knew to do, and having such fabulous loving people pray for me and still nothing, I knew - this was from God and He was dealing with me.
OK, I am flat on my back, pinned to the bed, taking over the counter pain relief of many various kinds, 4 tabs at a time almost every two hours and it's not getting better, and I am asking, "OK, what do I need to hear...?"
I can't tell you how hard it was to take care of Dad and the regular relief sitter had to go out of town and the agency gave me a very hard time when I tried to communicate with them. I wasn't feeling too well to begin with and that didn't help. But it was God because they sent someone out that I knew who is like a Mom to me. Boy did I need a Christian Mom!
She was here two days and I konked out. It seemed to ease up a little but came back again after she left. I was beginning to ask, "Is this more than stress?"
The affliction was unbearable but I kept thinking, "It will get better." But after 5 days, it was not, and I began to get worried.
My submission to the Lord increased.
I had gone to one doctor and said, "Please, give me something!" He
prescribed muscle relaxers which didn't help a bit. When I called back
they acted like I was just looking for drugs. I was, but not for
entertainment! They said, call back after the weekend. Right.
All my friends said I needed a chiropractor. I found one in the Christian
Yellow pages and drove over. When I got to his office, I could not even
fill out the form I hurt so bad and broke down crying.
Thank goodness he had compassion, but all his "tricks" didn't help. And
then the people who said they would give me money for the treatment didn't
come through and so now I have written a hot check! And we needed
groceries and I can't shop or cook! (So when I said thanks to the ones
who gave, I meant it!)
Finally I knew I needed more help. Give me the hospital. I prayed and
said, "Lord, the next person who calls, I am going to ask them to please
take me to the Emergency Room. I will have to go charity." (Like they
won't give me a hard time over that! Hospitals want their money! But it
is required by law that some treat ER cases and so I went!)
Two girlfriends called me up inviting me to come over and have lasagna
supper with some other friends. I told them I was ready for the emergency
room and the one hosting the party said, "I will take you." Wow! A REAL
friend!!! Most charismatics will not give up their parties for anything,
but she was raised mainline like I was and they will. (We are both very
happily Spirit filled.)
Well, we go and here comes this Moslem intern in the ER. (Had the little
hood covering.) I go, oh no! what now? But she was very sweet and
gentle and kind. It was a 2-3 hour wait for the doctor and she was the
interim. She ordered a hypo for me and I thought, "Finally..."
Thirty minutes passed by and nothing. I started crying. She seemed
genuinely concerned and said, "Nothing?" I said No. She looked sad. I
thought, she really cares. It's not the people that are bad, it's the
anti-Christ spirit that tries to turn them from the true and living Love
God. I knew that, but God gave me such a Christ love for her, that I
began weeping for her, too. Those tears were valuable!
Finally the doctor came in and after the third round of 500 question and
answers, she ordered another hypo, this time for "nerve pain." The other
had been for muscles. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord, it worked! I finally
relaxed!
I got a presciption and we are on the way home. My friend still wants to
make her dinner party as she just told the people to go on over to her
house and start, but she took me to the Walmart pharmacy first on the way
home but I had to go in to fill out the form. After I filled it out I
then had to lay down right there while they filled it. There are times
when you just don't care!
Got the medicine, went home and the other sitter was there, thank goodness
and I crashed. Slowly but surely, it started getting better. But in the
meantime, soul searching is still going on.
While watching tv there was a man in a movie who had terminal cancer and
was able to control his pain medicine by a button. He pressed it when he
needed it and then passed out. It was just a matter of time for him and I
felt myself totally relating.
I thought about my death, and others who suffer with excruciating pain on
a regular basis and wondered how they did it. I had prepared to die in my
heart because I knew I could not live with that pain and thought, "What if
God is taking me Home? What if I have something more than just a pinched
nerve?....I am ready." And I was.
I was thinking who should get what of my stuff and what to do for Dad,
and I was serious! I knew this is the way many check out of this world.
It was in that place of total submission, that healing came to me.
None of the prayers, gimmicks, formulas, bargains, even medical help for a
while worked. No one could really even diagnose it. Some only made it
worse! What agony people go through, I thought. You say, "Why God?"
until you submit to His total will and that means life or death -- either
way, you go with Him.
Oh what a new compassion I had for those in pain. I always cared. My
mother was an RN and a good one, so I have been around compassionate
influence.
After "dying" and submitting to that in my spirit, I started to get
better. What! Is this a joke? I was ready to come Home! I really was.
I was ready to give up this life for the next! The God factor is so
wonderful.
Prayer requests came into the ministry of people being diagnosed with
terminal illnesses. I was relating in a way that I had not before. I
realized that some of these people WILL die, no matter how many war chants
we do. It is just their time! When you put your life into the Hands of
your loving Creator, you KNOW He is ordering your times.
What is needed for some of these people, and their family and friends
then, is PEACE. "The good die young and no one takes it to heart," the
Scriptures says. "No one knows that God is taking them away from the evil
days ahead." Sometimes it is mercy that takes us Home early.
I had begun to rejoice at all the Tribulation I would not have to go
through. Well, God still has a plan for my life, right here!
I am much better today, still recovering after a week of good medicines
that work, and almost totally off of everything. It's good to be among
the land of the living again and feeling and acting like it.
I testified at church, "When you're sick and you get better, you are
grateful." They understood.
There were many insights I got along the way. One minister that I have
always wanted to meet and never thought I would, sent me an email in
response to an article I had written and we have had a pleasant
conversation.
That energy helped me to let go of some things that I cared about that
were just not working out and took me up to a higher level of faith and
expectation. It was a great thing for which I am thankful.
I died, to live, in Christ! I've learned something about the Christian
walk. You have to guard your successes. There are people you see who get
jealous and envious of some things you'd gladly give them if you could,
like a ministry calling, for one thing.
There are those who are unreasonable and you can't do a thing about it
except to remember when you were unreasonable. (That's pain on top of
pain!) There are some who just do not want to give up their evil ways.
You have to face that. But there are not any God did not die to save and
you have to know that. Prayers make a difference.
I let go of some past to take a step higher. I had to let go of some
people and things to come up. And I didn't have to compromise to do it!
Believe it or not, I can say I am thankful for that experience. It was a
God thing.
I can share and I can testify, but I also have learned how to guard what
is precious, my faith, from the vile - that which would steal it if
they/it could. Oh my enemies may gloat, "Look what happened to her!" But
I can honestly tell you that I am closer to God today because of this.
And the BEST THING to me is that: Healing Is. It's not a formula or
gimmick or bargain as I mentioned above. Healing IS God's will for His
people. But knowing Him is the greatest gift, and you will be healed
somewhere - here or in Heaven.
God bless you,
Pam Clark
5/24/99