Struggling with Suicide

No one said life is easy, it surely is not, and living is more difficult for some than for others. But God is still God and He is good and He knows what He is doing, even though we don't always understand it.

I was asked by Peter Berkey to assist him with some precious people who responded to a page that he put up on his site that related to suicide. In reading the letters, my heart just broke over the internal suffering that I see that some have. If we saw those same pains and injuries on the outside, we would rush these people over to a hospital!

But I am putting this post up because in the past, I too, wrestled with suicide. In fact, when my ex-husband left me the first time because he just decided he did not want to be married anymore, I took enough sleeping pills, wine and rat poison to land myself in the hospital for several days, including the Intensive Care Unit where it was touch and go. (That was in 1972, and the unbeliever husband left me for good in 1974, and I moved on toward Christ, Hallelujah.)

I knew that then, in the hospital where I couldn't even say my name because of the condition I was now in, that in spite of all my pain, God would not be glad to see me because I did not handle my pain the right way. (Suicide is not reversible! It is a permanent eternity long decision.) But I just did not know another way!

By His grace, and I am convinced by the nurses there who must have prayed, and probably had people in their home groups pray for a total stranger (this still makes me cry to think about it), I am here today, doing ministry and loving it. I am no longer afraid of this devil spirit, because it has been defeated in me!

Circumstances still are not always easy, but I don't want to kill myself anymore. God has shown me the truth. Since the Lord has made known through Peter the great needs that are out there, I feel led to share my words to this (edited) letter and ask you to join in, too, in praying against this work of the enemy for those whom God loves.

Jesus died for ALL of us--I don't care who they are. I am not the Victory, He is. It works. His Spirit is well able. I can't make faith in the wrong things work right, but I can say that faith in the right things overcomes it all.

I love you with the love of Jesus, without Whom (and a few praying Christians), I would be literally, nothing. Here reads the (edited) letter I just got and my response. There is even a lot more I could say on this, and perhaps will add more later.

But see--what they did was something right!

Hi Pam - I know you don't have any idea who I am but Peter asked me to get in touch with you...I have...[a very hard life situation]... I'm not sure I should be telling you all this but I feel like writing.  I have attempted suicide several times and almost succeeded when I took enough pills and...[something bad happened]....  I feel useless, unloved, and as if I have no future.

My reason for living was being with my children and now they aren't here any longer.  I feel I have no purpose for living anymore.  These are the reasons I am comtemplating suicide. I hope I have not burdened you with what I have wrote.  Please write back if you care or can.

Dear Friend,

I hope you don't mind, if you see this, that I have posted part of your letter. I want to use it to help others, and YOU will get the credit for it! (and Peter for bringing it to my attention).

I do care! I've been there!

Usually we feel defeated when we are not doing the purpose we are created for. That is usually because we don't know what that purpose is!  So since we aren't doing what we are supposed to, God cannot bless us because we are not in His will.  And when we are not in His will, this brings on a host of other problems.

So we bide time and we do not even know why we are doing that. We are functioning and since that is all that we are doing, all we can do is look around and see everything wrong. 

We do see what is right, too, but seeing the bad makes us think it is a lost cause because of the evil, and so we lose heart and we lose hope.  We know we have to fight the evil, but it costs us something and it's work, so we wonder why we should even do that since we don't feel like it's going to get better anyway, right?

But this is where faith comes in.  With God, things ARE going to get better. The reason people lose heart is because they don't know the truth. Everything in you tells you that you defeating your life is wrong--but you don't know why you are here.  So, what it boils down to is that the problem is something that you don't know, because if you did know, it would not be that way.

See, if  you really did not care, you would not have written me or Peter, but you did write us, because deep down you do care and you do want to live and that is normal and that is healthy and that is God's will for your life! So believe it or not,  you ARE doing something right!!!

The devil will tell you that you are a no good so and so and add a few choice negative things on top of that.  He won't cut you any slack, he will tell you it's no use, and you aren't any good, and that there is no hope (am I right? )--but, he is a liar; there is hope and a whole lot of it! 

For some people, living is not as hard as it is for others.  I have never understood that, until I realized that really it's because WE ARE the warriors for LIFE!  Sounds crazy, doesn't it?  But it's true!

The enemy hates us because we know the truth. He hates us because we see his evil so plainly.  Others don't see it like we do, so he works to discourage us and destroy us because we expose him, but he is a loser because greater is Jesus (God) within us, than he (the devil) in the world!

We live in a fallen world.  We don't live in a place (right now) where no evil can enter in.  Evil has arrived in this life. 

We don't like it, we don't want it, but it happened.  We fell for it in the Garden and so now we have to deal with it.  Any of us could have been Adam or Eve in that Garden. They were human, the progenitors of all living.  But God says "I want to put something into you -- it's WHY I created you -- so that you can stand up to this evil and reject it."

We missed it the first time, but with Jesus, we don't have to miss it the second time, except by choice.

Man had hope, until the fullness of time" when Jesus came.  The devil had us about beat down, but then Jesus came and PROVED that He was the Resurrection and the Life.  That means that this life is not all there is.  This life was over after it got polluted.  It's still polluted today, as you well know!

But there is a God and He does care and that's why He sent Jesus.  His Plan is still the same--He wants us to be strong enough to discern and choose against evil.  That is why I said it seems and sounds crazy, but the reason you feel defeated is because you are extremely sensitive to what is wrong and that is what makes you right!!!

Inside of you, you want to cry against it, but you get flack for that and that's no fun, and it takes training and understanding to know how to counteract a lot of it, but God can and does provide training.  You just have to ask HIM and then seek it out and He will reveal and open doors so you can find out.  Then life gets exciting.

It doesn't mean it's easy all the time, it gets tough, but it also gets better because you know what you are about and you do make progress!  The devil is a liar.  God is the Truth and the Truth sets you free because you finally realize that God DOES WANT you, and He DOES LOVE you, and He DOES have a plan for you, and a future and a hope, and that the end of your life REALLY is and will be GOOD! Not because of who you are, but because of who He is in you.

I hope this makes sense to you!

ALL His Best,

Pam Clark

P.S. I also had a good friend of mine who committed suicide. Since I had to deal with that, I wrote about it, and you can find the article under "Devotional and Inspirational Articles" on this site.

God bless you.